Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Prestige

I always thought I had to "be someone" and from a very young age I wanted to be a succesful stage artist that was admired by the industry and my friends and family. I always thought that my work and work title would be everything to me. When I left for London after 3 years of peforming art school I started working in a shop and most of the time I loved it but I always referred to myself as a peformer and this was just a temporary job, somehow I thought that being a shop assistant wasn't good enough and that people I met or classmates from back home would judge me. Like I did.

I had lots of different jobs over the years; receptionist, account manager for Elizabeth Arden, I worked in customer service for a dodgy company in Canary Wharf, PA to the Head of Retail at a fashion brand and worked in more wonderful shops. During the whole time I didn't like it when people asked me what my profession was because I didn't feel it truly represented who I was. I was more than that. So I thought. 

It didn't mean I looked down on anyone else doing those jobs it just wasn't what I was supposed to do, I was a peformer, I was meant for something else!

I felt anxious everytime I met old friends from school, people who now worked professionally within the theatre, I felt jealous and bitter. Why wasn't I doing that?

When I started working in TV I felt a lot better, now I could say when people asked me what I did for work I work in TV and that sounded cool. Wow you work in TV, that must be so exciting? people would say. 

It has taken me a long time to understand that this is all bullshit! After years of stress, panic attacks and therapy I finally understand that no one really gives a shit what you do (and if they do the are assholes) and unless you are happy and loved everything else means fuck all!

Only you can make yourself happy and it doesn't matter what your work title is or how much money you have. If you constaly compare yourself to others and live by other peoples opinions of you (or what you think their opinions are about you) you will live a very unhappy and unforfilled life. 

So much is about prestige, what looks good on paper or our latest Facebook status and we forget what we really want to do. 

Looking back on my years in London I wouldn't change a thing, those experiences has made me who I am and I feel blessed for all those fantastic people I have met and the people who I call friends don't care if I am a succesful artist or a cleaner. The only thing they care about is that I am happy and got enough money to buy a round of drinks at the pub now and then.

After coming to Stockholm I have been surrounded by old friends who most of them work in th theatre but now I only feel proud that I have so many talented friends and I can get free tickets to the best shows in town!

Me and my old idol Margaretha Krook outside Dramaten

Sunday, 16 February 2014

A Nordic Adventure

After 8, 5 years in London I am returning to my mother country, not sure for how long it could be 2 weeks, 2 months or forever I don't know.

When I boarded that plane for London in 2005 I felt I had something to prove, to myself, my old teachers, my parents and there was no turning back. I don't feel like that anymore and therefore I am looking forward to see what might or might not happen. I need to be inspired and challenged and right now London can't fulfil my needs so I am packing a bag and going to Stockholm.

It is scary and for the first time in a very long time I do not have everything figured out and that is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. I am a worrier and a bit of a drama queen, have been all my life but with the help of meditation and mindfulness I am trying to live more in the now.  So when I am visualising all of these different crazy scenarios of what might happen when I leave, I try to remind myself that I need to calm the fuck down and relax. I can only control what is happening right now and right now I need a change.

On my arrival in Stockholm I will be greeted by family, I will live with my beautiful Henrik and I will spend quality time with dear friends I normally see once a year or less but I am also leaving my best friend behind and that is something I am trying not to think about too much. It is also one of the reasons why I am leaving because you can never change someone else you can only change yourself. 

I don't want to look back on my life when I am old and regret that I let fear hold me back. So what advice would my 91 year old self give the 31 year old me? 

  • Be kinder to yourself.
  • Don't always care about the potential consequences.
  • Don't care too much about what you think other people think of you.
  • Sing more.

At Gothenburg airport with my dad leaving for London in August 2005.


Wednesday, 2 October 2013

When in doubt buy a hat!

I am a strong believer in retail therapy, not saying that it will solve the problem but it's easier to find a solution when you think you look better. 

I have recently gained a gazillion pounds and it doesn't matter how many pregnancy tests I buy, there ain't no baby in my belly, it's fat! So while I have recently started my mission to lose those extra pounds I do not see the point of depriving myself of shopping and therefore I am on my way to buy a hat. Men always ask women why they love shoes and bags and it's because it doesn't matter what size you are, shoes and bags fits all sizes and so does hats, plus it can make your face look smaller! 





Tuesday, 1 October 2013

You can be anything you want! Shit..

All my life I have been told that I can be anything I want and that the world is my oyster, I have been given the chance that millions of people would kill for so why am I not jumping up and down with joy?

I will tell you why, because it also comes with a lot of pressure, so I have the chance to be whatever makes me happy but if I don't feel happy all the time or if it constantly doesn't feel a hundred percent, does that mean I am not doing what I am suppose to do???? ARGH!!! 

And all the time you have a slight feeling of guilt- poor middle class person who can't make up their mind if they are going to be an architect or musician!

I believe that this is the reason why more and more people have anxiety, panic attacks and gets depressed, we look at the people around us and on TV and magazines and everyone else seems to have figured it out, they look happy and they are living their dream. We compare and that makes us feel unfulfilled and lost. 

I had a set dream, I was going to be on stage in plays and musicals and that was the only option. When I moved to London and my life took a completely different turn I didn't embrace it, I thought I had failed and that clearly I was never good enough to make it on stage and that was the reason why I was working in a shop in London. I didn't realise that this was a new chapter in my life, filled with new adventures and new wonderful people. But the truth is I didn't embrace it and instead I saw myself as a failure and a lost girl without a dream. 

My life now is very different from what I thought it would be but that is also because I am a very different person now compared to the little girl who had the dream. Yes I still question my life and even though I am not a professional actress I do miss being on stage but I am not sure that my life would be better if that was my profession, I would probably still complain about the same things; I never have time to see my boyfriend and friends and I work too much..!

But maybe we don't need dreams, maybe if we live now and everyday to the full and love the people we have around us now we will be more fulfilled then if we constantly look forward seeking a dream that might never happen? 


Saturday, 28 September 2013

#happiness

Most of the posts I write can maybe come across as a bit depressing and maybe some people who reads my blog thinks that I am just a miserable cow so this is why I have put together a list of things that makes me happy. 

What makes me happy:

-Waking up early on a Saturday morning catching up on my recorded shows on TV while Pascal is still sleeping so he won't bother me with stupid comments because he thinks my shows are silly. How can a show about making musicals be silly?! #smash

-Buying a new piece of clothing that is extremely unpractical and OTT but just looks amazing, at least to me..! #iwanttobeafabulousfashionistawhenimolder

-Realising that I am so much happier and stronger in myself then I have probably ever been and that I was able survive the tough times last year has only changed me for the better. #panicattacsdoesntlastforeverandwhatdoesntkillyoumakesyoustronger

-Having a slightly dysfunctional but amazing and fantastic family that I love so much but wish I could see more often. #twiceayearisNOTenough

-Knowing that I might just have the best friends anyone could have. They are there for me when I need support, slap in the face for not realising how good my life is, fashion advice and a really good party! #thankyouforbeingmyfriend

-Lying on the sofa with Pascal listening to one of his favourite Pearl Jam albums, knowing that he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. #bringouttheviolins

Happy weekend everyone! :)

Sunday, 22 September 2013

Be now

It's so easy to constantly look forward and I do it all the time, waiting for the weekend, next salary to hit my bank account, next holiday when I will relax etc. I very rarely stop and enjoy the moment and because I am in that constant mind set when I have the time to relax I am still so aware that I only have a short amount of time to relax and enjoy myself that it takes a long time for me to wind down. This is not to say that I don't enjoy life, I do but I could do better and I think that all comes down to that I have to be more now.

Yes my work is also pretty full on and most often I am away during the week or I finish late but it would be nice to find a balance. I can never be very creative when I am also working and I miss that the most, my singing lessons and weekend gigs. 

I know the ball is in my court and only I can change it but it is hard, at least for me. I enjoy my work but it doesn't leave much time for anything else and I don't want to complain but I need more in my life and I need to figure out how. 

I also don't understand how some people do it, they seem to have it all together, they work, always have time to exercise 3-4 times a week (at least!) and on top of that they fit in after work drinks and dinners. I am lucky if I have time to go to the gym twice a week and to see my friends for too many drinks on a Friday night (which also means that I am too hungover to go to the gym on the Saturday which takes my weekly gym sessions down to one..) and then on the weekend all I really want to do is be at home relaxing or make a spontaneous lunch or dinner date but that is about it. 

Very soon I have a week off between work contracts and I am really looking forward to it, will be nice to have some time to breath and to work out how to have a more balanced approach to life but change needs to start now and from tomorrow I will try to be more now and use mindfulness as a tool and be more aware of what is happening around me and enjoy everyday as it is.

Namaste!