Holiday

Day 3- Bossa Nova, salty sea and champagne.

Right now life is really good and that is what I keep telling myself but why is it so hard to believe that I deserve this?

I haven't written anything in months, life has been challenging and at times I wasn't sure what the outcome would be but somehow I made it through and I am sitting by the sea in Crete with a drink in my hand. After everything that has happened why can't I fully enjoy myself?

It's not that I'm not happy because I really am but the devil on my shoulder is whispering in my ear telling me that life can't be this good.. I mean come on woman sort it out!!

Basically I think too much, always have and probably always will and sometimes (quite often) my mind goes into overdrive and its impossible to relax. This happens more often after a stressful work period finishes and I don't have anything to do (e.g holiday..)

Note to self: RELAX!!

Day 5- Irrational fears

I don't like flying and for many years I didn't fly at all but now I do, it was a big step for me and the person who helped me the most is my gorgeous boy. Saying that, I still don't enjoy it fully and at times I absolutely hate it and drink shit loads of wine even to manage an hour and a half flight to Sweden.

Everybody knows that flying it's the safest way to travel and like most phobias it's irrational and impossible to explain. Especially when my transport today was an old buggy with bad brakes and I felt safe and the most relaxed that I have all holiday!

Everybody knows that flying it's the safest way to travel and like most phobias it's irrational and impossible to explain. Especially when my transport today was an old buggy with bad brakes and I felt safe and the most relaxed that I have all holiday!

Note to self: You are a nut case :)

Day 8- Going home

So after a lovely week of sun, sea and a lot of cheap local Crete wine home is waiting. I have struggled to relax properly and in all honesty probably need another week off but that is not possible as I start a new job on Monday. I'm looking forward to start work but like anyone I wouldn't mind a bit more time off.

Home- Journey from hell!

So going home yesterday was a complete and utter nightmare.. I was a bit anxious about the flight but was ok until we got to the airport, it was so hot and no air con! It was late in the evening and we were both tired and a bit dehydrated which is never a good combination and unfortunately for me it was a terrible combination. We went past the security but the closed up heat in the room made me claustrophobic and I got over heated. Pascal (wisely) persuaded the arsey security staff to let us go back outside but it only made it slightly better. I was so warm panicked and decided to go to first aid which was a shitty room with flies. The "doctor" took my temperature and then when she realised that I was more anxious than ill gave me Valium (oh you sweet thing!) which made it a lot easier! 

Life and I think many of the people I know feels the same is too stressful, we work and work and put pressure on ourselves and when we have a bit of time off we can't relaxed. We need to take care of ourselves and enjoy life more and not worry about the everyday craziness that surround us and I don't know about you but I have had enough.

Note to self: Book time with shrink! 

I’m a fraud!

I feel embarrassed about what I have become, I used to be into politics and history but not anymore. I know more about the break up between Russell Brand and Katy Perry then about what is going on in Syria and I feel ashamed.

I try to fool people by making them think that I know more then I do, during conversations I slip in one or two quotes from some German 19^th century philosopher that I have picked up from listening to my brothers. I don’t know what happened, I am a smart girl, I love learning new things and being up to date with what is happening around the world. Unfortunately during the last ten years of my life I have become more interested in watching America’s next top model and E! Channel. I don’t read as much as I used to do, I read my friends Facebook status updates and Grazia more then the paper.

I am not saying that it is wrong to watch shit telly and go on Facebook but I am starting to become ignorant! I come from a family where we most nights sat down at the dinner table and talked about our day, had heated discussions about numerous subjects and you were forced to make an opinion and fight for it. I still have strong opinions but I don’t feel I have the knowledge to back it up anymore.

It is frightening that according to the Daily Mail in early December 2011 almost four million children in the UK don’t own a book. My parents read to me every night and either we were given books or lent from the library. My Swedish school education was great, I was involved in political youth groups and was aware. I was taught by my family to keep up to date with general knowledge, be interested in what happens around the world and make an opinion for myself.

Yes I watch the news but I have become so used to being able to switch off, if something doesn’t entertain me or grab my attention immediately, I either switch the channel or switch off. If I read the paper I get distracted by the paparazzi images in the gossip section, I have become lazy and I don’t like it. I am turning 30 next year and I am not only letting myself down but I am setting a bad example for future generations.

I never give myself new years resolutions (well except loosing weight but that is normally ruined by the new years day hangover pizza..) but this year I have given myself one:

I will yet again become more aware of what is happening around the world, read more books and brush up on my history.

This crazy little thing called love.

Loving someone can be amazing and exciting, the best thing in the world but it can also be horrible and self destructive, the worst thing in the world.

The idea that two people will meet, fall in love and spend the rest of their lives together is kind of crazy. Two people who have different opinions, life experiences and routines who are only together because something in their heart and mind tells them that they are connected to this other person.

I am a sucker for romance, love is fantastic and being an atheist I consider love to be the closest thing that I have to a religion but it aint a freaking walk in in the park.

Me and my boyfriend broke up for a few months last year, not because we didn’t love each other but because we simple couldn’t make it work. Instead of making each other happy we just became miserable and couldn’t change the destructive pattern that we had created. I was in shock for a few days and it was all so confusing because the love was still there but we needed time apart. I always thought that having your heart broken was just an expression but I could feel my heart break. My body and mind was filled with angst and my heart ached.

We got back together again and I know that we are meant to be, we have something special but it will never be easy. When you say I love you to someone you also say I will take care of you, I will support you and I will help you be the best of you.

I love Pascal and I will help him through tough times but I will never forget to love and support myself again.

Some of my favourite love songs:

If I were a carpenter- June Carter Cash and Johnny Cash

Someone like you- Adele

Love hurts- Emmylou Harris and Gram Parson

Happy Together- The Turtles

Ring of Fire- Johnny Cash

I’m sticking with you- Velvet Underground

Hope there’s someone- Antony and the Johnson

2011

My lovely friend Uyen, also know in the bloggers stratosphere as Leluu, recently wrote a 2011 blog post and it inspired me to write a post about my 2011 and what I will take with me into 2012 and what I will happily leave behind.

This has been an interesting year in many ways, for the first time since I moved to London 6 years ago I am finally working with something that I can progress in and who knows where this will lead. I have so many dreams and ideas and I am trying to see that as a good thing instead of stressing myself out in case I don’t fulfill all of them. I have taken so many different turns in these past 6 years and it is difficult to find peace of mind in what I am doing now. There is a part of me that is content but at the same time I have the performer in me is nagging and saying don’t forget me. Next year I will try to please both more, I will work hard at my day job but satisfy my performer by singing and hopefully perform a bit too.

I can’t remember now what made me start this blog but I am so glad I did, writing for me is very liberating and I don’t think I am half bad either. I doubt that I will be a world renowned blogger but I am hoping that my writing will come to some use in the future. It has also helped me to ventilate my thoughts and express myself more, I quite often care too much about other people’s opinions and every time I post my blog posts on Facebook I get nervous in case someone will find it silly but I still do it. It always takes me a few seconds before I click enter and a rush of panic and excitement runs through my body.  A girl I know said, when I mentioned that I have a blog, that she found blogs to be self-indulgent and pretentious. Maybe it is but if it makes someone happy then who cares.

Something else that has started to happen is that I am feeling older, not old but older. I will be 29 in January and I can feel a change in me. Yes I am not going to lie, there is a slight panic because apparently you have to freak out when you are getting older but I kind of like it. I am starting to be happier with myself. There are a lot of things that I would like to change (see list below) but I can’t remember ever being more in control of my own life. I have been going through some tough things lately and that have made me realise that I am a very strong person and if needed I could walk through fire. I am also a vulnerable and sensitive and I require love and support and even though I prefer to be independent I am not afraid to ask for help. To sum it up I think I am starting to know who I am.

To do:

• Surround myself with positive and loving people.
• Make an effort to see my friends even when I am tired because of work.
• Call my brothers more and also my grandmother. 
• Sing and play guitar, do some open mic nights and maybe even sign up for a ukulele course.
• Travel.
• Stand up comedy class.
• Wear more fun clothes.
• And as always love my Pascal.

Don’t:

• Worry about unnecessary things, 99 percent of the time they will never happen.
• Obsess about my thunder thighs.
•  Take things too seriously.
• Beat myself up in case I don’t stick to everything on the Do’s and Don’t list.

I am very excited about what will happen next year and if there is something I do know, what ever happens, at least it won't be boring.

 Sayonara 2011!

To have or not to have?!

I am at the moment reading the fantastic book “How To Be A Woman” by Caitlin Moran. Being a feminist on the search for a role model in a world where no one seems to fight for equality anymore and women are more concerned about not missing their Botox appointment I was very excited when my good friend Aimee lend it to me.  The book is brilliant and I recommend it to anyone, she raises issues like sexual harassment, pornography but also describes her journey through puberty, marriage and childbirth. She is very funny and is it refreshing to read her thoughts and concerns in a society where feminism seems to be forgotten and women don’t seem to be bothered about taking control over their own lives.

Extract from “How To Be A Woman”:

So here is a way of working out if you are a feminist, put your hand down your pants

A. Do you have a vagina? and

B. Do you want to be in charge of it?

If you said ‘yes’ to both then congratulations! You are a feminist.

A couple of chapters in the book are about to have or not to have children, for me this is a subject that is very close to heart. I have never felt the urge to have children and have never seen myself as a mum but as soon as I mention this almost every person says, “of course you want children, I will bet you that you will change your mind”. Maybe I will but most likely I won’t and this is because of a few reasons:

First of all, like I mentioned before I have never seen myself a mum with a big family, don’t get me wrong I love kids I have the best nieces in the world thanks to my brother and his wife and I am sure that my other brother and his lovely girl will have a family too and I think that is fantastic. My plan is to spoil them and when I get old they will invite me over for Christmas etc.

Second, having a career has always been my priority but because Britain has got such a shitty parental leave system means that me being the mum will have to do more or less everything on my own because the father only gets like 30 min paid leave. I will have to leave my job for X amount of years and good luck getting back into the job market again. No way!

Third, I really want to travel and explore the world, I have been too skint for so long that I have not been able to travel much and as soon as I start making more money there is no way that I will spend that money on nappies and childcare.

Fourth, year 1-10 seems great but who the hell wants a teenager??

I might change my mind, I might wake up one day and go OMG let’s get pregnant but if I don’t then that doesn’t make me weird or a cold heartless woman. I do not need an already over populated society to tell me what or what I don’t want.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Woman-Caitlin-Moran/dp/0091940737

Up my game!

December 27^th

I haven’t posted anything in ages and even though I am aware that none of my three followers has been having restless nights about missing my blog posts I have missed writing. Work wise I have been quite busy and finally I feel there is more continuity with work. I started a new job a few weeks before Christmas and it is a good one, a very exciting new fashion show and the contract is the longest I have had so far (unless I mess it up completely..) and it will take me all the way to end of May. It is a fashion show and will involve some very cool people from fashion and music and I feel I have to up my game, my style needs a revamp! Even though most of the people I know don’t think that I have the most classic and conservative style I personally think I need to be more bold and experimental with my clothes and my plan is to take more risks.

Living in east London I am surrounded by different styles everyday but just to make it clear I am not planning to wear a freaking teapot on my head but I do admire people who makes an effort. I try to make an effort but I would want to be bolder in my outfit choices. For the new job I have been looking at hundreds of fashion blogs around the country and I love finding blogs that are written by young boys and girls living in quite rural parts, places where the clothes shops are limited and not many people dare to stand out from the crowd scared of being different but these young fashion bloggers they dare because they feel a bit different and dressing like everyone else feels wrong.

I grew up on an island on the west coast of Sweden and I always felt different from everyone else, I always knew that I would leave sooner or later and I never wanted to follow the crowd. I have always loved clothes and was lucky to have a mum who is very good a sewing, she made me clothes that no one else had and sometimes I think there was a reason that no one else had them. I take full responsibility and can’t blame my mum when I went through a phase where I wore outfits in the same colour. My mum would sew me matching skirts and tops in the same colour (pink, blue, black etc) and I wore it with matching tights and my Doc Martins sandals. I have to also point out that I had short pink hair at the time. If I look back on it now I looked like a fool but at least I did not look like anyone else. Previous to this I had been obsessed with the film HAIR and everything I wore was inspired by the film.

I have always had my own style but lately I haven’t taken enough risks in my mind, my clothes feels a bit boring and especially what I wear for work. Working on a show that involves fashion I think it's time for a change and I am looking forward to it.

No matter how much money I have I do not think that I will ever be a stylish designer fashionista with perfect hair and always on trend. I love clothes more than fashion and I try to wear what I think suits me, I buy fashion magazines and if it there is something I see that I like then I go to my wardrobe to see if I might have something similar but I don’t really follow fashion. In the future when I have more money I would like to be able to walk into Selfridges and buy some designer pieces but in the mean time Beyond Retro in Dalston will just have to do.

December 28^th

Bought an over sized eighties cardigan and a leather skirt at Beyond Retro today, unfortunately can’t justify the denim shirt and the Star Wars top but will return as soon as the January pay comes. Also waiting for a skirt that I bought from ASOS market place, a vintage skirt, just hope it fits..!

Some brilliant fashion blogs:

http://stylebubble.typepad.com/

http://stylescout.blogspot.com/

http://kingdomofstyle.typepad.co.uk/my_weblog/