I always thought I had to "be someone" and from a very young age I wanted to be a succesful stage artist that was admired by the industry and my friends and family. I always thought that my work and work title would be everything to me. When I left for London after 3 years of peforming art school I started working in a shop and most of the time I loved it but I always referred to myself as a peformer and this was just a temporary job, somehow I thought that being a shop assistant wasn't good enough and that people I met or classmates from back home would judge me. Like I did.
I had lots of different jobs over the years; receptionist, account manager for Elizabeth Arden, I worked in customer service for a dodgy company in Canary Wharf, PA to the Head of Retail at a fashion brand and worked in more wonderful shops. During the whole time I didn't like it when people asked me what my profession was because I didn't feel it truly represented who I was. I was more than that. So I thought.
It didn't mean I looked down on anyone else doing those jobs it just wasn't what I was supposed to do, I was a peformer, I was meant for something else!
I felt anxious everytime I met old friends from school, people who now worked professionally within the theatre, I felt jealous and bitter. Why wasn't I doing that?
When I started working in TV I felt a lot better, now I could say when people asked me what I did for work I work in TV and that sounded cool. Wow you work in TV, that must be so exciting? people would say.
It has taken me a long time to understand that this is all bullshit! After years of stress, panic attacks and therapy I finally understand that no one really gives a shit what you do (and if they do the are assholes) and unless you are happy and loved everything else means fuck all!
Only you can make yourself happy and it doesn't matter what your work title is or how much money you have. If you constaly compare yourself to others and live by other peoples opinions of you (or what you think their opinions are about you) you will live a very unhappy and unforfilled life.
So much is about prestige, what looks good on paper or our latest Facebook status and we forget what we really want to do.
Looking back on my years in London I wouldn't change a thing, those experiences has made me who I am and I feel blessed for all those fantastic people I have met and the people who I call friends don't care if I am a succesful artist or a cleaner. The only thing they care about is that I am happy and got enough money to buy a round of drinks at the pub now and then.
After coming to Stockholm I have been surrounded by old friends who most of them work in th theatre but now I only feel proud that I have so many talented friends and I can get free tickets to the best shows in town!
Me and my old idol Margaretha Krook outside Dramaten