Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Stop the world I want to get off!

If I could choose right now what I would want to do I would choose to live by the sea, I would write a column for a magazine or paper. Play guitar and sing, start off with covering my idols and maybe that could lead to writing my own songs, improve my guitar skills and grow in confidence.

The life I am living is putting to much pressure on me and it is making me feel very worried and anxious.

I used to have a very clear dream, first it started as me wanting to be an actress but later that developed into musical theatre artist. When I made the decision to move to London I think I somehow unconsciously decided to move away from musical theatre, not because I didn't love it but because I didn't think I was good enough compared to all the other struggling artists. I gave up because I was to scared I think, didn't want to fail.

I have all my life put so much pressure on myself, wanting to be the best, wanting everyone to love me and never disappoint anyone. It had always been so important what other people think of me, they must know best surely? By being that sort of person you let other peoples opinions or feelings control you. They might not do it consciously but because you let them they will somehow take advantage of it. I have always had a very confident exterior and people think you are stronger than you really are but just because you don't show it doesn't mean you don't feel it.

When I was little my friend in school had problems at home, I tried to support her. My teacher told my mum that it was so good to have me there, I was so helpful. I was ten years old, I didn't know how to feel and I was confused about what was going on but because my friend was the one to feel sorry for, I couldn't complain so instead I put up a shield and everyone thought that I handled everything so well.

I am an expert when it comes to acting like everything is perfect, that is not a good thing. The feelings that I suppress always has a way of surface, later in life they surface as panic attacks.

I really was planning to write a nice post about how I want to live by the sea but something in that made me think of why I want it so much. I constantly feel very stressed and the thought of future scares the crap out of me.

I am 28 years old, don't have any savings or a stabile job and all I want is to run away, live by the sea watching the  breaking waves, stand on a cliff and scream. Sit and write, sing and find a bit of peace within.

I wrote a song a song a couple of years ago that is a bit about what I have just written, not the best recording but still ok. 

Being by water calms me and sometimes I walk down to regents canal, it's not the Swedish west coast but still an oasis in London.

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